your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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