oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?