You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.