either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.