she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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