How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
