if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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