dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
