So drunk its hurt
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
