Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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