Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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