I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
