just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
