you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
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