So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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