Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
