there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My penis needs a shock collar
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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