a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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