i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
