Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They have beer where we have blood.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
