Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
