my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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