I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
