So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
