woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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