his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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