I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
