I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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