the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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