my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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