I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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