atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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