Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Help me help you realize you are a moron
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
