We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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