fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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