this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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