if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
