i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
