I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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