We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
