After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.