apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.