Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Terrible idea I love it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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