I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
