I didn't shave. On purpose
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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