Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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