I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
