you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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