if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We need to get me chipped asap
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
