32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
