You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My cat gives me a boner
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
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I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."