just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".