This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.