the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
