Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
