i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
