The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
