not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
