i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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