i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
