i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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