Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
