2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
