you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
