just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
