remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
