btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
