i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
