On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
